Letter to the Mother of a Daughter

"To me" (I preface it with this because I know every parent probably believes this of her kids), Patrick is really sort of innocent. ? He knows ABOUT a lot of stuff, but I THINK we are on top of where he is and what he's doing. I think. But, my parents sort of thought that about me too. I drank in high school and I often told Mom and Dad it was only one beer or whatever it was. My parents were of the "believe what you want to believe" mindset and I think wanted so much for my lies to be true, they just accepted them. Unless someone called her about me. This happened the first time I got caught. I was a cheerleader and drinking at a football party with the head football coaches' daughters (bad choices all the way around). Coach Turner busted the party, his players, his daughters, and me. I was about to start 10 th grade! So embarrassed.

I really hate it for you that your struggles are with the girls side of it all because somehow, girls have so much more at stake. It's such a conundrum because reputation is important, a good one that is. But if you act according to how a person with a good rep acts, then you don't do anything and you are "punished" for it by being rejected, left out, and harassed to join all the hell-raisers on their way to hell. BUT, if you do join in the rabble-rousing then you get the slut, loose, party-time babe rep. How to balance it all? How do you be good when everyone is bad and begging you to be bad with them?

I know a girl from college (but she says she did this in high school too) who pled a germ phobia and would never share a drink or drink after someone. She put whatever she was drinking into a tall, opaque cup, kept it full, and just acted like her normal, happy self. If anyone asked for a sip, she just said it made her ill to think of sharing a cup w/someone, "I just don't do that." If someone took a sip, she threw out the drink altogether. We thought for the longest time that she was the bottomless pit of drinking and had the tolerance of an ox. She was "playing the game," but she made up new terms. Pretty cool.

Patrick has seasonal asthma so I've told him that if anyone offers him anything to smoke, in addition to "just saying no," he could always say something like, "Dude, I have asthma. No way am I putting anything into my lungs, I can barely breathe as it is." I don't care if they think he would if he could; only that he doesn't! I've told Dylan this as well and he doesn't even have asthma. But he's so dang ethical, he probably wouldn't be able to lie to the smokers or drinkers or whatever, "I have asthma, I can't ever smoke. Wait. Not really! Not really! I'm sorry I lied, I don't really have asthma! I feel just horrible about the lie, I’m so sorry…"

He choked when we were at Six Flags and he wanted to see the simulated Army Experience thingy. The age requirement was 13 and he just turned 12 in Feb. I told him and his friend to go on in and just say they were 13, and not to act like a couple of 6 year olds. They went in and came trekking right back out after about 3 minutes. No one even ASKED him a question, but he was so freaked out about lying to an army guy he just turned around and left, "You CAN'T lie to an army guy! That's like lying to the police! You can get in serious trouble..." Me,"No, Dylan, you can't, this is Six Flagss, all they would do is laugh and tell you to come back next year..." "Well, no way am I going back in there. I can NOT lie to the army guys..." His cute green eyes opened wide and chin tucked down with determination. With all this in mind, maybe I won't have any deviance problems with Dylan! I think Patrick might be swayed to experiment early (earlier than college anyway) - his friends are of supreme importance to him. Maybe though, that’s the difference between 12 and 14? I hope not.

I know with Patrick in high school next year, exposure is only going to get worse. We live about 2 miles from a Christian school, and a kid we know whose family is Extremely Religious just got kicked out of there for having a joint. I'm thinking this boy is a good kid who made a really bad choice and got caught. I know that does happen. But, point being, the local Christian school is infested as well. If a bastion of "goodness and Christianity" like that has drugs and dealers, where IS one to turn? It’s not geography any more. You can’t send your kid 15 miles away to school and expect to have a different experience academically or socially. It’s not geographical, it’s cultural. It’s 2009.